America–the land of the free. At times to find myself battling with the later part of that sentence–land of the free. I find alot of irony that statement to be quite frank, but the reality is we are free if we choose to be.
I find it comical how in our society, children are encouraged to express themselves, yet when they do, they are disciplined if it does not fit a specific narrative. Children are taught early in life to obey their parents, teachers, coaches, and other adult role models and this unspoken this belief that children must do as they are told or else there will be a consequence. Children are told at a young age that they can be anything they want to be, yet we restrict their progress. We condition them to think or act a certain way because we have been conditioned to do the same. Growing up, I learned very early in life not question or challenge an adult’s instruction. The rare times when I tried ro test the waters a bit, I was quickly reminded not to when the response was “because I said so.” I knew anything I said after that, could and would be used against me. So I just did what i was “supposed”to do and shut my mouth.
I was 15 years old when started my first job at Claire’s Boutique. My mom drove me to and from work 30 mins away at the South Park Mall. I made $7.25 an hour often complained about missing plans with friends. I still knew not to question adults, yet in my teens I became a bit more vocal, and in return so did my parents. They explained if I wanted things in life, I would have to pay for them with my own money. I continued to work at Claire’s until high school ended. l ventured on to college because thats what I was “supposed” to do.
I transferred 3 times before I graduated from Winthrop University. I received my B.A. Mass Communications with a concentration in Journalism and minored in Health in 2010. I was a marketing intern at a gym in Uptown Charlotte which led me to an amazing opptunity to work as PR assistant for a firm in Dilworth, but because I was finished with school, I ended both that position, and my waitressing gig to work full-time because that’s what I was ” supposed” to do.
I had no clue what I wanted to do, but I did know I was an adult and I was “supposed” to pay my own bills. I worked full time in a few office roles but quickly discovered In the be In 2016, I started working at a local nonprofit and bartending part time on the weekends. It wasnt long after, I moved back into my own apartment. I was doing what I was “supposed” to do and loved it.
Until 2019 hit like a freight train…
It was by far one of the hardest years of my life. I had 2 miscarraiges within 3 months of eachother and shortly after, removed the diamond ring off my left finger and ended my relationship. In between the loss of our little ones, I went to the ER for severe abdomen pain which resulted in an emergency surgery, a 2 day hospital stay, and bedrest for 6 weeks. The job I once loved, became a battlefield when the agency director a new boss that was comparable to satan, causing half of the staff to leave, and somewhere in there I lost one of my best friends, Curtis, in a motorcyle accident.
I was certain things would get better, but that was wishful thinking. A month before the world was shook with the pandemic, the grant I worked under completely changed abrubtly due to the funding source, we had a new director who pushed the rest of the staff out by cosigning with the workplace bully, and everything I enjoyed about the role was replaced with dreadful bimonthly meetings, which clairified nothing, and an additional 30 page report, which made no sense to anyone in the state, but we did it because that is what we were “supposed” to do.
In March, the same month the pandemic hit, I lost another one of my friends Penny, then another, Drew in May, shortly after, cancer decided to take my grandmother June, a few months after, another friend Rikard, and 5 days shy of a year after I lost Penny, I was at the beach celebrating my friend’s birthday, I got a call from a coworker letting me know one of our coworkers 8 year old son, whom i adored had been killed in a UTV accident. 2 days later I got and Uber back home from Myrtle Beach and a few months moved in with his mother because as her friend that’s what I thought I was “supposed” to do.
For the next few months, I continued to go through the motions of life like a robot. I was the “yes” girl who was living on chips, caffiene, and a couple hours here and there of sleep. I dismissed reality, avoided people, minimized things that hurt, bit my tounge, made sacrifices, and allowed people to take advantage of me. I did anything and everything I could to avoid conflict or sticking up for myself because thats what I was “supposed” to do.
In September, of 2022, I was in a mental place that was completely unfamiliar to me. For the first time in my entire I had absolutely no idea who I was. I had been internalizing an extreme amount of trauma for 2 years and out of nowhere it all hit me and it hurt. I either slept for days at a time or my thoughts while awake consisted of suicidal ideations. Everyone around me started to around diagnose me or insert their opinions on what I was “supposed” to do. I tried medication after medication, therapist after therapist and was misdiagnosed with mental illness condition after mental illness condition. The more I help I seeked, the worse I felt. I was frustrated and impatient, yet determined to feel better. After 3 months of trial and error and becoming a pharmecutical test dummy, I walked into a phychiatrist’s office with an eye full of tears and dark circles under my eyes. I sat down on a comfortable tan leather couch. The doctor made very little eye contact when asking me questions about and even less expression when I replied. I sobbed my eyes as he typed. He looked over the previous few doctor’s notes and verified the information was correct. After a few minutes of awkard silence, he then peeped over his glasses, looked at me, and said, “there is nothing wrong with you.” I sat there confused but allowed him to continue. “You are not bipolar and do not need any of these medications because they are sedating you. You may have a slight bit of anxiety, as we all do, but you are simply going through a rough patch in life. I can give you a small dose of medication and you are free to use it when you feel It happens to the everyone, I can suggest seething jus” For the first time ever, I knew that was exactly what I was “supposed” to do so thats what I did.
I became so conditioned to what I was “supposed” to do, that instead of healing I was drowning. I had enslaved myself. I had been conforming to those around me, regardless of how my state of mind was impacted. January, I reached my limit at work when one day, I was interrogated by leadership regarding my mental health. I sat in silence for well over an hour while being asked beyond inappropriate questions that violated both HIPPA and my personal boundaries. Because the bullying was pretty familiar by this point and there were several other unresolved, I sat there and soaked in their words like a sponge one last time. As the hits kept coming from one leader to the next, I said very little or nothing as tears rolled down my cheek.
I drafted my resignation letter because this was the last time I would allow the bullying and belittling from anyone in the agency I once loved. As I walked in the office, the conversation on that cold tan couch a few months prior replayed in my mind. It reminded me that I did not have to accept the way I was treated, nor should I have to. About an hour into the day I was called into the office and was fired. I got fired because I questioned where money was that I worked for. I got fired because I no longer would allow anyone to bully me in the work place. I got fired for attempting to resolve 2 years worth of issues. I got fired for the first time ever in 36 years. I got fired because I did what I was “supposed” to do and in that very moment, I became free.
I started writing this post in July and have debated posting it for months in fear of backlash and the criticism I may receive, but sitting here no I know it is what I am “supposed” to do. Today as I reflect on some of the pain, hurt, anger, confusion, it reminds me that, I am not the only one who struggles, and my hope is to help someone else use the pain, hurt, anger, and confusion, as motivation to not settle and not to give up. I am now working as a freelance digital media consultant during this career transition with some other part time gigs and absolutely love it. I get to design and write again and encourage others to chase their dream as I chase mine. I would be lying if I said these last few months have been easy, however they have been worth it. It’s ironic how losing my job, home, friends, stability, and sanity, would lead to such a sense of freedom, but the reality is change is often uncomfortable, yet often necessary.
I am officially back to doing what I am “suppose” to do, and that is being unapologetically me.
Today, I am free!
Avyn Karen 